you don't mean that, say you're sorry

I am on a playground in a large park.  The playground is set in sand and surrounded by an expansive green lawn.  It's a bright, hot, sunny day.  It's not just the sun that's bright; all the colors in this place are very saturated to the point where it hurts my eyes.  There is a distant city skyline at the edge of the park.
My cousin and I are hanging out on the playground (along with other nameless/faceless people from both our parties), even though we are both adults.  We are joking around with each other and I make a slightly sharp joke at his expense.  The crowd laughs and "ooohhhh"s.  He gets angry and lashes back at me something along the lines of "well, maybe boys* would actually like you if you didn't ruin everything by being all fat and mushy in the middle"  My clothes suddenly feel very tight and my gut is hanging over the waist of my jeans.  I laugh and pretend that his feeble retort doesn't phase me.  I come back with something stating that more people would like him if he wasn't such an idiot.  He retaliates with other stinging fat comment and I in turn, replay the "I'm smarter than you" card.
I walk away with my posse in tow, head held high, but I can already feel the tears starting to well in my eyes.  He's right, I am so fat.  If I can just hold it in and get past the edge of the park, into the trees, he won't see me cry.
My eyes fly open and I gasp for air.  It's 3:45am.

*I think this dream highlights not only body issues, but also gay anxiety.

"You don't mean that, say you're sorry" ~ St. Vincent - "Now, Now"

Sleepyhead

I am in my mom's bedroom and it's very early in the morning.   It's still dark outside and there is only one dim lamp on in the room.  I am looking in the mirror.  It's pajama day at my high school, but I didn't know that until this morning.  Even though it is well before I have to be at school, I have no time to get ready and I am panicking.  I can't remember if I took a shower last night or if I have to this morning.  I stand there frozen, unable to make any decisions.  Do I go shower anyway?  I'm wearing pajamas now, can I just go to school like this?  What time is it?  Am I packed for school?  I go into my room and pack my school bag with an extra pair of pajama pants and some books.  I have a test today that I have not studied for.  I don't shower and throw on my college sweatshirt to wear to high school along with the pajama pants that I'm already wearing.
I look out the front door and see my sister, as a little kid, standing at the bus stop.  I go out to the bus stop, but only stand there for a few minutes before I come back in the house because I decide that I am very unhappy with my outfit, my pajama outfit.  At this point, I am rushing around frantically, but not actually doing anything.  I decided that the pants I'm wearing will be too cold, so I will put the other pair on over them.  Even though I have made this decision, I don't actually do it.  I realize I don't have any makeup on.  This makes me really upset, but I don't put any on.  What shoes should I wear? (apparently I didn't have any on up until this point).
Now I decide that I don't want to think about pajamas anymore and want to try on outfits that I could wear in the future.  I find an old sweater in the closet that I had forgotten about and put it on with some jeans.  I look in the mirror and see that I am fatter than I thought I was.  My mom tells she she hates that sweater and asks what the hell I'm doing when I have to go to school soon.  I'm just trying on outfits when I don't have time for it, duh!
I look out the window and see the bus stop empty.  Oh my god! I've missed to bus because of my costume changes.  I will have to drive myself to school.  Wait, then why was I worried about the bus?

I wake up with a stiff neck and this running through my head:
"You can't start a fire, sitting around crying over a broken heart" ~ Bruce Springsteen, "Dancing in the Dark"

Tegan and Sara - Dancing in the Dark
Passion Pit - Sleepyhead

wolf in flight attendant's clothing

I am on a bus or a plane and I am topless.  I scurry into a seat next to a guy from high school whose locker was next to mine.  The surrounding seats are filled with people from high school and middle school.  I am holding a hoodie and long sleeve t-shirt and trying desperately to cover myself with them, yet I don't put them on.  We are all joking and laughing and no one seems to notice that I am not properly clad.  The flight attendant (or bus attendant) comes over to me and offers to take me into another room to calm down because I seem very stressed.  We head into what looks like an airplane bathroom, but inside is a giant shower.  She explains a hot shower will make me feel better.  The door to the shower room is left open and people keep walking by and looking in.  I am now completely naked and horrified to discover that I have not shaved any part of my body for a very long time.  This makes me angry, so I yell at a guy looking into the room and kick the door closed in his face.  She comments that my Sasquatch appearance doesn't bother her and that she likes hairy women.  At this point, she is topless (though I don't remember any boobs) and I notice that she has stomach hair like a man.  I decide that I like this and now feel more comfortable.

The flight attendant and now shower therapist is skinny, with long blonde hair and thin lips, basically the opposite of my type.  I'm getting the vibe that this is going to turn into more than a relaxing shower.  We start kissing.  I'm not into it but figure it's better than sitting in my seat.  She wants more than kissing.  I don't want to sleep with this girl and explain that I can't because I (unbeknownst to me until right now) have my period.  She beings to argue with me, saying that she doesn't care and that it shouldn't matter.  She turns into my ex-girlfriend and the shower room turns into a yellow-lit bedroom of a one-floor house.  The furniture in the room is ugly Americana with dark wood and quilts.  The bedroom window faces the backyard where a pool party is taking place.  I turn back to my ex and we are both now fully clothed.  I am sooo angry.  How dare she try to trick me into sleeping with her.  Why won't she leave me alone?  Go away!  I really let her have it, not holding back any venomous thoughts.  I laugh in her face and say mean things to her (although I can't remember what).  This feels really good.

Body Wars

I "sharted" in a social situation. It was in someone’s apartment, there are people around, and I have no clean underwear.  It stinks and is uncomfortable.  I am horrified that someone will discover this.


I shaved my legs and then an hour later, they were really hairy again.  I express significant worry to two of my college friends.