I am on a playground in a large park. The playground is set in sand and surrounded by an expansive green lawn. It's a bright, hot, sunny day. It's not just the sun that's bright; all the colors in this place are very saturated to the point where it hurts my eyes. There is a distant city skyline at the edge of the park.
My cousin and I are hanging out on the playground (along with other nameless/faceless people from both our parties), even though we are both adults. We are joking around with each other and I make a slightly sharp joke at his expense. The crowd laughs and "ooohhhh"s. He gets angry and lashes back at me something along the lines of "well, maybe boys* would actually like you if you didn't ruin everything by being all fat and mushy in the middle" My clothes suddenly feel very tight and my gut is hanging over the waist of my jeans. I laugh and pretend that his feeble retort doesn't phase me. I come back with something stating that more people would like him if he wasn't such an idiot. He retaliates with other stinging fat comment and I in turn, replay the "I'm smarter than you" card.
I walk away with my posse in tow, head held high, but I can already feel the tears starting to well in my eyes. He's right, I am so fat. If I can just hold it in and get past the edge of the park, into the trees, he won't see me cry.
My eyes fly open and I gasp for air. It's 3:45am.
*I think this dream highlights not only body issues, but also gay anxiety.
"You don't mean that, say you're sorry" ~ St. Vincent - "Now, Now"
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