Wednesday, April 28, 2010

foot soldier

I am in a hospital for some reason, although, it looks the hallway leading the to back door of my elementary school.  There is a nurse's desk in the center.  While I'm here, I complain that my feet hurt.  A doctor looks at them and tells me they hurt because I have too much foot skin. What? 

He then proceeds to quickly set up an area and a few surgical tools and before I know it, he is cutting away skin from my foot....WITHOUT any anesthetic.  The nurse is talking up a storm to me and I realize that it's in order to distract me.  Of course, at the same time I realize this, I also begin to feel EVERYTHING the doctor is doing.

When he is done, I am told I can put my shoes on and go.  No instructions or aftercare.  No one seems phased by any of this.  I look down and I have red, raised lesions and stitches running in a continuous line around the sides of my feet, around and in between each toe.

My feet feel better.

I wonder where my skin went....hmmm....

This song was the soundtrack to my sleep last night:  Florence + The Machine ~ Between Two Lungs

Monday, April 19, 2010

Freddy Krueger is an asshole

Before I recount this dream, I should make something clear.  I have an irrational fear of the movie monsters of our generation: Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers, Chuckie, Pinhead, etc.  When I was young, I had an older cousin who couldn't get enough of these movies, and even though my parents never let us watch them, my sister and I were exposed to these abominations of the human creative mind anyway.  My cousin had the Freddy glove, hat, and sweater, hockey mask, posters, and once he discovered our weakness, pounced on every opportunity to exploit it.  I don't blame him at all, I'm sure I have done similar things to my younger sister.  The ridiculous part, the part that I only admitted to him recently, is that I was regularly haunted by nightmares starring these villains until I reached (embarassingly) my late teens/early 20s.

I've heard all the adult explanations and dismissals of my fears.  These movies are stupid.  That could never happen.  The plot doesn't even make sense.  Also, the peer mockery.  Don't be such a crybaby.  What are you, scared?  YES.  I also tried to heed the advice of "face your fear" several times.  In middle school, I forced myself to see quite a few of these movies.  It didn't work.  In fact, I think it made it worse.  No matter how clearly I knew that what I was watching was silly, poorly written, fake, etc., it became very real and plausible once I was alone in the dark.

I think my issue with these characters, outside of childhood fear, is that they don't play by the rules of the universe.  I hate to say it, but I like rules.  I know what is supposed to happen, and even if I choose to break said rule, I can wager a good guess what will happen then too.  These guys aren't fair.  How many times have they killed Freddy or Jason?  They don't die.  Freddy is the shadiest because he fucks with you when you are asleep.  Sucker punch.  Come out of the shadows, bitch, and try to kill me like a man.  The only way to avoid him is to stay awake?  FUCK!  I spend most of my day planning for when I can go back to sleep.  Ok, yeah, Hannibal Lecter could get you in your sleep too.  But if you woke up as he bit into you and you stabbed in the fucking neck, he would die.  These are the rules of the universe.  Shit, even "The Exorcist" shows that there are ways to get rid of the devil.  THE DEVIL!  The supposed worst thing ever even has a weakness.

Now, this may sound like I'm a sissy about scary things.  Maybe I am.  But I think the root here is that I have a problem with violence for the sake of violence.  However, let's take a movie like Braveheart or Saving Private Ryan - absolutely violent and brutal, yet real and with a purpose.  War is and always will be innate to man, but getting dragged into another dimension by a puzzle box and tortured is not!  The real world is scary enough, I don't need these sick minds adding anymore turds to the punchbowl.

Here's a list of crap-yourself-out-of-fright stuff (both real and imagined): dragons, Hitler, Sauron, Fred Phelps, Sara Palin, killer bees, Aliens, Predators, Zodiac killer, The Duggars, sharks, Scientology, Bin Laden, Rick Santorum, spiders...What do they all have in common, you might ask?  THEY CAN BE DESTROYED!

I'm rambling.  My point is I think these movies make me worry about us as a race.  It frightens me that people want to create and watch movies based solely on their fellow man getting slaughtered in elaborate ways.  It severs the human connection.  Honestly, I think some of these "artists" should be seriously examined and possibly removed from society.  On less global scale, I take it personally.  This garbage upsets me and on top of that, invades my dreams.  Not only do I wake up terrified and covered in sweat, but also infuriated by the effect it has on me.

Enough with the masturbatory complaining, here's the dream:

Freddy is after my mom, my sister, and me.  My sister is a little kid.  I think I'm a bit younger than I am now, but not in the proper age range to match my sister.  My dad is in his workshop in the basement.  I try to tell him what is going on, but he doesn't care and blows me off.  The whole dream jumps in and out of different scenarios where Freddy is chasing us:
  • We are on a suburban street.  Freddy turns into a little slightly Asian kid (think every horror movie released in the last five years) on a tricycle.  I know it's Freddy because he is wearing the infamous striped sweater.  At first, this kid was far away, but then quickly moves up the street, like the film is skipping frames.  I panic as I see him coming.  The only weapon I have is a lit cigarette.  As he approaches, I stick it in his eye.
  • We are at home.  At this point in the dream, we cannot even THINK about Freddy because then he will appear.  I'm walking through the house and keep seeing signs that he is here - a fedora left on my parents' bed, striped sweater, etc.  I am SCREAMING at my mom and sister to stay awake, not think about him, and stay together.  They aren't helping.  I herd them into my room, lock the door, and am frantically thinking of how to escape.  I have my car keys, phone, money...ok, if we can just get to the car.  Outside my window is the roof of our back porch (not in real life).  We go out the window, climb down, and run around to the front of the house and jump in the car.  My mom drives.  I wish she would not turn the engine or lights on and just put it in neutral and roll out of the driveway.  Of course, she just starts the car instead, and as we get to the corner, Freddy comes out of the house and sees us.
  • Next, I am alone in my room, but am not allowed to leave.  I know Freddy is coming and I HAVE TO GET OUT!  My parents don't believe me or don't care.  I am talking to a childhood friend on the phone, telling her my plight.  I hatch a plan to sneak out.  The only problem is that the only window I can get out faces the back yard, where my parents are.  I've got to try.  I pack a bag and tell my friend to call back in 15mins.  If I answer the phone, that means I couldn't get out, so she should call the police.  Now, my room seems to be on the ground floor.  I push the screen out of the window and start through the frame, when my dad walks by and catches me.
  • Last, we are in a hotel running through pink carpeted hallways and echoing stairwells to escape from Freddy.  My sister keeps falling behind and wandering off.  I am screaming with all my might at her to stay with us.  A kindly older man offers to help us get out of the hotel and to safety.  The tension is unbearable.  FREDDY'S ALMOST HERE.  HE'S GOING TO FIND US.  The man directs us toward an elevator and we all run full speed to get inside.  As we turn around, we see my sister still in the hallway and deciding to instead go around the corner and back down the hall we just escaped.  We call her name and yell for her to come back as the elevator doors close.

Friday, April 16, 2010

smoking weed(s)

I am walking on my old college campus with a good friend of mine.  From afar, I see a girl who I had a massive, unhealthy crush on my freshmen year.  Fuck, we made eye contact, so now I have to say hello and act cool.  We get talking and I am surprised to find that she actually seems happy to see me.  I'm nervous, so of course I have to smoke, but as I slap around all my pockets, I realize that I forgot my cigarettes.  She assures me that I shouldn't fret because we can smoke dandelion buds (???), but we have to go to a special place on campus to do this.  The only way to get to this secret place is to cut through the theater building, so we all head in that direction.
As we enter the theater building, I stop and kiss her out of nowhere and then completely regret it because I know she doesn't like me.  I try to recover and quickly change the subject.  I ask her why we stopped hanging out after freshmen year.  She replies, "Because I didn't think you actually liked my beautiful self". Allllright.
We head towards the back door of the theater building, but there is a production going on so everything is chaotic.  Some women in charge, who looks more like a same-sex oriented gym teacher, starts screaming at us for being there.

This dream is a pointless waste of energy.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


I am in an unfamiliar apartment that belongs to a male college friend of mine.  Wait, apparently, we are a couple.  I think to myself, "Isn't it funny that I'm dating a guy now?".  Indeed.  We are laying on a black leather couch.  We start making out and such and then it gets to the part where I'm supposed to give him a BJ.  I approach the area, but can't actually locate the target because my hair keeps getting in the way (my long hair has returned for this dream).  I dodge this bullet, yesss!
I look up and my boyfriend has turned into a female friend.  I already feel much better.  It's still a little weird because she's a friend, but at least the anatomy is right.  We are lying next to each other on the same couch, in the same apartment being giggling girls.  Her cell phone rings.  During the phone call (?), we start making out.  While she's still TALKING on the phone, we proceed through all the steps that usually follow makeout (very vivid) and she finishes.  As I come up for air, she says, "Anyyyway...I'm sorry, what were we saying?"  Terrific, guess it was good for you.

The Penguin, by Vera Wang

I am at a friend's wedding (that already happened earlier this year).  My friends and I are sitting outside on chairs set up in the grass watching what seems like a combination of the ceremony and reception.  The couple is still technically getting married, but people are eating, drinking, bridesmaids (including me) are sitting in the back with their shoes off, etc.  It is very late, I remember something about 3am.  We are drinking, but don't want to get too sloshed at the wedding.  Everyone is saying that once this thing is over, we will go party.  BUT IT'S NOT ENDING!  Plus, there's a cute girl here I'm trying to talk to/get drunk so she'll make out with me.  Eventually, everything ends and my friends decide to call it a night.  I lose my chance to party AND my chance to make out.  nuts.  As I turn around to leave, I realize that all of the wedding guests are wearing the exact same costume.  The bridesmaids wore black, so everyone else wore black and bright green vertical striped pants, black short jackets, and green shirts and vests.  Essentially, everyone looks like Batman's villian, The Penguin.  WTF????

Clown Town, USA

I am leaving a building in a big city with my mother.  As I reach the sidewalk, a feeling of "the creeps" washes over me.  I turn around to find a very short, white-faced, mime-like person dressed in a black and white French clown costume standing RIGHT behind me.  Jesus fuck, ew!  (Clowns and spiders may be the worst things in the world.  Forget Hitler or AIDS...clowns and spiders, man).  I just want to get away and run frantically to the car.
We get to the car safely and I'm burning rubber to get out of there.  I turn a corner to find a women wearing a costume that is like a cross between something from Carnaval and Michael Myers.  Her hair is huge and wild, cloak flowing, holding a shovel upright like a sword, wearing an expressionless white ceramic mask.  I attempt to swerve more to get away from her, than to avoid hitting her.  As I pass her, she smashes out my back window with the shovel.  AHHH!  She tries to jump and grab onto the back of the car.  I am flinging my car all over the road, trying to shake her off.
Then, suddenly, it's over.  Apparently, this is a sort of real world ride or fun house.  People pay for this.  I'm still scared shitless as I'm mingling in the crowd, talking with the actors, including Mardi Gras Michael Myers.  I can't stop thinking how fucked up this is.  The little French clown is still staring at me through the crowd.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

S.O.S. to my mother

This dream starts out as any horror movie does:  everything is fine, some friends and I are having fun, I have a love (lust) interest....but not for long.

I'm hanging out at what is supposed to be my house with a group of people who are involved in some type of theater or performance.  They are dressing up in costumes and trying on wigs, etc.  Somebody is supposed to be Lady Gaga.  It's about 3am.  There's a girl who I am interested in and we are flirting and kissing a little.  My mom is in the kitchen making everyone cheesesteaks.  This makes perfect sense.

Sudden scene change:  a run-down toy store in Philadelphia.  The lighting is sickly fluorescent, the doors and windows are boarded up, and the shelves are covered with black plastic trash bags.  This seems to be some sort of HQ for our resistance against whatever is happening outside.  I am coming and going out of this toy store, but each time I do, less of my allies return.  I slowly start to realize that people around me are being infected.  I know that someone has been infected when they begin sitting and lying on the sidewalks like homeless people.  Soon, the streets are filled with euphoric, lazy, zombies.  I see many people from my life (including the current love interest) lining the streets and I begin to panic.  I run back to HQ only to be told that my mother has gone missing.  My friend thinks he knows where she is.  He says we will go rescue her and then escape on the only working and safe subway line left in the city.  We enter the backdoor of a building, into a stairwell.  Down goes to the subway train, and up goes to where my mom is being held.  Up we go.  My friend is in front of me on the stairs.  He gets to the top and opens the stairwell door.  In that moment, a panicked, uninfected person is running down the hallway past the door.  My friend grabs him and hacks/spits/coughs/projects blood at his face, which splatters on the window of the  stairwell door as it's closing.  HOLY FUCK!  That son of a bitch has been a zombie this whole time!  His plan was to infect ME!  I book down the stairs to the subway.  The train is pulling away and I jump onto the back of the last car.  I relax, thinking I've escaped.  But, suddenly the train starts slowing down.  I peer around the side of the train to see a wall of zombies standing across the train tracks, holding shovels, baseball bats, and other blunt, heavy, human-killing weapons.  Game over.  I wake up covered in sweat.

"S.O.S. to my mother.  Take the hinges off the door" - Tegan and Sara - "Like O, Like H"

Friday, March 26, 2010

garden variety

I am visiting my ex-girlfriend at her new house.  Apparently, she has begun running her own farm.  She's leading me on a tour of the grounds.  The size of the farm and the variety of produce are astonishing.  Everything looks beautiful, vibrant, and delicious.  I'm a tad jealous, but it's short lived because I'm getting uncomfortable.
It is a brutally hot summer day and I'm trying to avoid walking into the spots of sunshine breaking through the plants and trees.  We come to a little greenhouse where plants are being misted from the ceiling.  The quench on my boiling skin is almost audible. Ahhh, much better.  Oh wait, now we are outside again and I am just as hot as before.
After the tour, we come up to the back of her house, where I find an inground POOL!  I'm instantly annoyed.  I've been melting this whole time and there's been a freakin' pool here?!  I think to myself that it's so like her to neglect to mention this very important fact.  She then explains that they aren't using the pool because it's too cold. grr.
At this point, her mother comes out the back door and makes a fuss about seeing me.  I would have liked to avoid this interaction as I am planning to leave soon.  I don't want anyone getting any wrong ideas about the intention for my visit.  Her mom is asking me to stay, promising that she will make cookies if I do. hmmm... My ex then remarks that it will take too long.  Her mom says that she will make the cookies in the microwave, which will only take 20mins, just enough time for my ex to give me a special hair treatment.  I'm really not interested in having a hair treatment because it's going to involve getting close and touching, which I don't want any part of.  However, in lieu of looking like an asshole, I agree.  During this time, we have gone in the pool anyway and I am even more aggravated to find that it is, in fact, a very comfortable temperature.
In the pool, my ex applies this special hair conditioner to a quarter of my head and then stops because she doesn't feel like it anymore.  I'm pissed.  Appartenly, this is something I can't do myself, so now I'm shit out of luck.  We argue and I attempt to leave in a huff with my hair now looking like something out of an anime cartoon.  I take a few angry steps away when one of her dogs steps in front of me, pops a squat and farts....loud...and comically.  I try to go around, but then dog keeps short-stopping me, squatting and farting.  I can't help but chuckle.

pretty (miserable) in purple

In a department store, I am looking for the perfect outfit to wear to my family's Easter celebration.  I come across the most beautiful purple prom dress and decide this is exactly what I need.  Cut to Easter Sunday.  I put on my purple prom dress and am delighted about how it looks and feels.  It's strapless, so I have to wear pasties (stick-on bra) under it.  The dress keeps slipping down.  After a while, I notice that the rest of my family is not, in fact, donning formal wear.  Even my sister, who usually gussies-up is wearing jeans.  I suddenly become painfully aware that I have made the WRONG fashion choice for this occasion of ham and grandmothers.  I am totally distraught.  How could I have been so stupid?  What the hell am I going to do with this dress now?  What am I going to wear instead?

My entire family is dressed and ready and waiting for me.  I don't know what to do.  All I know is that I'm still wearing this fucking pasties.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

all aboard...ha ha ha ha

I am driving around town close to my house.  The vehicle I'm driving is some huge monstrosity of an SUV and I'm finding that I can't handle it very well.  I'm too short to reach the pedals, the steering wheel is enormous and I can hardly see over the dashboard.  I come up to an intersection that crosses railroad tracks.  The light is yellow and I decide to stop, having to stand up with my full weight on the brake.  Good thing, because here comes a train.  Several cars behind me have already stopped, but a red Jeep Cherokee comes flying through the intersection, trying to beat the light and the train.  It looks as if he is going to make it underneath one of the train cars (apparently this train is very tall) and WHAM!, the train slams into his Jeep.  The car bursts and is torn apart as if it was made of cardboard.  I'm watching, horrified, from a safe distance.  I'm thinking this guy is dead, there's no way anyone could survive this.  As the last train car passes, I can hear screaming, screaming, screaming.  In the distance, I can see the driver of the jeep laying on the tracks with his arm completely severed.  There is blood everywhere and the screaming is ringing in my ears.

Midnight Train to Georgia ~ Gladys Knight & the Pips

Monday, March 15, 2010

my empty hand felt cold and unused

I had more than one dream about holding hands last night.

In one, a good friend of mine and I were holding hands.  It made me feel calm and secure, but wasn't part of the plotline.

In the next dream, I am in Catholic high school, but not the one I went to; the uniforms are much uglier.  Also, in this school, we have nap time.  We all lay on thin exercise mats on the gym floor and now that I'm looking around, this may be an all girls school.  The girl I like lays on the mat next me and we reach over and grasp each other's hands.  I get that too-often-forgotten puppy love warmth.  It's pure and it's innocent.  Just being with this person makes me completely happy.  Following the brief flash of respite, I am terrified that we will be caught.  Sure enough, a teacher walking in between the rows of napping teenagers spots our intertwined fingers.  We are reprimanded and another student is placed in between us.  The distance is painful.  The following day, we cannot stand to be separated any longer, so we reach across the girl between us.  As a teacher approaches, we find an ally as our human wall covers for us.  We are safe...for now.

"...and my empty hand felt cold and unused. I'm quite alright, I'll get by just fine.  I'm not depressed, not most the time.  It's just the fun stuff is less fun without you" ~ Frightened Rabbit, "Fun Stuff"

All this got me thinking; people should hold hands more often.  We take it for granted, do it out of obligation or habit, but taking someone's hand when you mean it can convey more than this subtle gesture would seem to.  We are bogged down by words, yet we never stop talking.  Human touch completes the circuit.  It is universal and can communicate in a millisecond the truth that we otherwise trip over ourselves trying to express...or hide.  Think of the peace we would find in a world of silent eyes and clasped hands...

Friday, March 5, 2010

the hunter will sin for your ivory skin...and pizza

I am at a U2 concert with my bandmate.  We start out further up in the seats, but as the concert continues, we keep getting closer and closer.  I am eventually on the ground row, along a walkway from the stage.  Oh my god, Bono is walking this way.  They are playing "Pride (In the Name of Love)".  Bono walks right in front of me.  He is beautiful.  He is a demigod.  I soak in this moment with jaw dropped.  All I have to do is reach out my arm and I could touch him.  My friend is behind me and pushing me to.  I can't.  I have no business inside his aura.  Touching him would make him real.  It's better this way.
After my brush with the Apollo of modern music, I am suddenly back up in the higher seats.  In addition to the performance, U2 also bought the audience pizza and macaroni and cheese.  The U2 crowd is always a great audience, so we all pass plates of food, take a slice, and keep passing.  Everyone is really friendly and is helping each other with the snacks.

"The hunter will sin for your ivory skin" ~ U2, "Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses"

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


I am in a Bed, Bath, and Beyond-like store.  I need some kind of face wash or lotion. I am watching a commercial for this product on my iPod, which now looks like a digital picture frame.  I can't find what I want in the sea of face products.  This store is narrow with high ceilings, so the shelves are really high and I can't reach or see.  I give up.
As I walk out towards the front of the store, Hanson is here shooting a video.  The front of the store has transformed from a fluorescent-lit warehouse checkout area to a warm, mahogany-rich, bay-windowed, sunny bookstore.  Much better.  I'm excited to run into Hanson, but I'm not acting like a tool, so this is definitely a dream.  Taylor Hanson asks me to dance.  He's good at leading and I am having fun.  The other two Hansons are playing their instruments.  We dance for a bit, and he dips me.  Then we hug it out.  He is wearing a Hanes v-neck undershirt and I'm thinking about how soft it feels.  It was a good, long, comforting, back rubbing hug, much needed.  Thanks, Taylor.

Friday, February 26, 2010

maybe you would have been something I'd be good at

We are on a cruise ship...a HUGE cruise ship.  The rooms are the size of normal hotel rooms.  I am bunked with two friends from college and a former roommate that no one likes.  Our room is on the bottom deck of the boat and you have to go through a trap door in the floor of the "rich people" deck to get there.  We are in and out of our room and exploring the ship.  Apparently we are on this cruise to celebrate our college friends' wedding.  However, there are people here from my grade, middle, and high school, as well as college, years.
I receive a phone call from a girl who I previously dated and have been thinking about and I am very excited to talk to her.  Of course, the ship is very loud and it's hard to find a place to have a conversation.  Instead of staying in my room where there were only three people, I walk around the ship and come to the main deck.  The main deck is flooded to chest level, but it's not a pool.  People are wading through it in their clothes.  I'm not surprised, so I must have already known this in the dream.  I'm desperately trying to play it cool on the phone while battling the noise, the impromptu pool, and VERY crowded ship.
At some point, I hang up the phone, sad about the outcome of the conversation, and wade past the bride's family.  They are showing home videos of her.  I stop to watch one featuring  the tragic pubescent years that we never want anyone to see.  I think to myself that we were so alike at that age.
I'm making my way back to my room through the labyrinth of the ship.  I run into a friend as I get to the rich people deck.  Several white monkeys approach us and start climbing on my friend.  She seems to know how to handle monkeys and is intending to bring them back to her room.  I also notice several squirrels running around on this deck.  As we start to go through the trap door to the poor people deck, a ship employee informs us that we can't have those monkeys.  We are sad and worried about what will come of the monkeys.  Nobody seems to care about the squirrels...

"Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at.  Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at." ~ Tegan and Sara, "Call It Off"

Thursday, February 25, 2010

partial nudity, caramel girls, and rock n' roll

I am in the dorm bathroom at college, but of course, it's not actually the college I went to.  I have taken a shower, so I have a towel wrapped around me and my hair is wet.  A friend, who I've never met before in real life, comes in and is telling me to hurry up and that we have to get out there, etc.  I don't know what she's talking about.  We exit the bathroom and are now in the main university student center.  I'm still in a towel.  The place is bustling and I am ushered over to what looks like a book and DVD sale.  Nothing has prices and I'm trying to figure out if these things are free.  I pick up The Terminator and Bourne 3-disc sets, yes!  Then we move over to books, and my "friend" is pointing out books that she thinks I would like.  None of these books are real.  She points out a tome that is the history of The Legend of Zelda.  I remark that I have this book, but haven't had time to read it.

It's very noisy and chaotic in here and I just want to go back to my room and get dried and changed.  My friend (I don't know if it's the same one because all of my friends in this dream are apparently petite Latina girls that look very much alike.  I am not racist) is pulling me away from the books and movies.  As we turn the corner of the kiosk, I notice a small crowd has gathered around something behind a screen.  A closer look reveals that Tegan and Sara are performing a small concert in our student center and have been there the whole time I was looking at stupid books.  OMG!  Why didn't she tell me!  Fuck, I'm not dressed, but I don't want to miss anything so I can't leave.  Now I see that two of my real college girl friends are singing with Tegan and Sara!  I assume this is because they were in an a cappella group at school.  I hate them, but then think that I could use their "in" to meet T&S.  But, shit!, I can't meet them looking like this!
I can't tell what song they are singing, but the crowd keeps pulling in and out like ocean waves.  The crowd becomes huge and pushes me within touching distance of Tegan and Sara.  They are adorable in real life.  Then the wave pulls me backwards and the crowd dissipates to only a few listeners.  This wax and wane happens several times.  It's very irritating because it is distracting me.  My friend and I are dancing around to the music and naturally, fall into of those "are we going to kiss moments".  We do and it's nice.  She suddenly breaks away and yells, "yo, chill out!". I am very confused by this because I don't know what the problem is.  I'm also embarrassed and a little angry. I take her by the arm and explain through my teeth that it was really inappropriate for her to yell out in front of everybody like that.
At some point, I abandon my hopes of meeting Tegan and Sara and any interest in listening.  I have to pee, so I go into the bathroom.  It's crowded and hard to get a stall.  A bunch of my spicy friends are now in the bathroom, yelling, gesturing, and peeking over my stall door.  I just want to go to the bathroom.  I'm still wearing only a towel.  One girl goes into the stall next to me and starts talking about people having sex in public bathrooms.  She then sticks her head under the stall divider and puts her face in my crotch.  (I haven't peed yet).  She pulls back into her stall and continues talking.  I shake my head and sit down on the toilet.  Then I realize that not only did I just sit on a public toilet seat, I did so after just showering...

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

you don't mean that, say you're sorry

I am on a playground in a large park.  The playground is set in sand and surrounded by an expansive green lawn.  It's a bright, hot, sunny day.  It's not just the sun that's bright; all the colors in this place are very saturated to the point where it hurts my eyes.  There is a distant city skyline at the edge of the park.
My cousin and I are hanging out on the playground (along with other nameless/faceless people from both our parties), even though we are both adults.  We are joking around with each other and I make a slightly sharp joke at his expense.  The crowd laughs and "ooohhhh"s.  He gets angry and lashes back at me something along the lines of "well, maybe boys* would actually like you if you didn't ruin everything by being all fat and mushy in the middle"  My clothes suddenly feel very tight and my gut is hanging over the waist of my jeans.  I laugh and pretend that his feeble retort doesn't phase me.  I come back with something stating that more people would like him if he wasn't such an idiot.  He retaliates with other stinging fat comment and I in turn, replay the "I'm smarter than you" card.
I walk away with my posse in tow, head held high, but I can already feel the tears starting to well in my eyes.  He's right, I am so fat.  If I can just hold it in and get past the edge of the park, into the trees, he won't see me cry.
My eyes fly open and I gasp for air.  It's 3:45am.

*I think this dream highlights not only body issues, but also gay anxiety.

"You don't mean that, say you're sorry" ~ St. Vincent - "Now, Now"

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


I am in my mom's bedroom and it's very early in the morning.   It's still dark outside and there is only one dim lamp on in the room.  I am looking in the mirror.  It's pajama day at my high school, but I didn't know that until this morning.  Even though it is well before I have to be at school, I have no time to get ready and I am panicking.  I can't remember if I took a shower last night or if I have to this morning.  I stand there frozen, unable to make any decisions.  Do I go shower anyway?  I'm wearing pajamas now, can I just go to school like this?  What time is it?  Am I packed for school?  I go into my room and pack my school bag with an extra pair of pajama pants and some books.  I have a test today that I have not studied for.  I don't shower and throw on my college sweatshirt to wear to high school along with the pajama pants that I'm already wearing.
I look out the front door and see my sister, as a little kid, standing at the bus stop.  I go out to the bus stop, but only stand there for a few minutes before I come back in the house because I decide that I am very unhappy with my outfit, my pajama outfit.  At this point, I am rushing around frantically, but not actually doing anything.  I decided that the pants I'm wearing will be too cold, so I will put the other pair on over them.  Even though I have made this decision, I don't actually do it.  I realize I don't have any makeup on.  This makes me really upset, but I don't put any on.  What shoes should I wear? (apparently I didn't have any on up until this point).
Now I decide that I don't want to think about pajamas anymore and want to try on outfits that I could wear in the future.  I find an old sweater in the closet that I had forgotten about and put it on with some jeans.  I look in the mirror and see that I am fatter than I thought I was.  My mom tells she she hates that sweater and asks what the hell I'm doing when I have to go to school soon.  I'm just trying on outfits when I don't have time for it, duh!
I look out the window and see the bus stop empty.  Oh my god! I've missed to bus because of my costume changes.  I will have to drive myself to school.  Wait, then why was I worried about the bus?

I wake up with a stiff neck and this running through my head:
"You can't start a fire, sitting around crying over a broken heart" ~ Bruce Springsteen, "Dancing in the Dark"

Tegan and Sara - Dancing in the Dark
Passion Pit - Sleepyhead

Monday, February 22, 2010

wolf in flight attendant's clothing

I am on a bus or a plane and I am topless.  I scurry into a seat next to a guy from high school whose locker was next to mine.  The surrounding seats are filled with people from high school and middle school.  I am holding a hoodie and long sleeve t-shirt and trying desperately to cover myself with them, yet I don't put them on.  We are all joking and laughing and no one seems to notice that I am not properly clad.  The flight attendant (or bus attendant) comes over to me and offers to take me into another room to calm down because I seem very stressed.  We head into what looks like an airplane bathroom, but inside is a giant shower.  She explains a hot shower will make me feel better.  The door to the shower room is left open and people keep walking by and looking in.  I am now completely naked and horrified to discover that I have not shaved any part of my body for a very long time.  This makes me angry, so I yell at a guy looking into the room and kick the door closed in his face.  She comments that my Sasquatch appearance doesn't bother her and that she likes hairy women.  At this point, she is topless (though I don't remember any boobs) and I notice that she has stomach hair like a man.  I decide that I like this and now feel more comfortable.

The flight attendant and now shower therapist is skinny, with long blonde hair and thin lips, basically the opposite of my type.  I'm getting the vibe that this is going to turn into more than a relaxing shower.  We start kissing.  I'm not into it but figure it's better than sitting in my seat.  She wants more than kissing.  I don't want to sleep with this girl and explain that I can't because I (unbeknownst to me until right now) have my period.  She beings to argue with me, saying that she doesn't care and that it shouldn't matter.  She turns into my ex-girlfriend and the shower room turns into a yellow-lit bedroom of a one-floor house.  The furniture in the room is ugly Americana with dark wood and quilts.  The bedroom window faces the backyard where a pool party is taking place.  I turn back to my ex and we are both now fully clothed.  I am sooo angry.  How dare she try to trick me into sleeping with her.  Why won't she leave me alone?  Go away!  I really let her have it, not holding back any venomous thoughts.  I laugh in her face and say mean things to her (although I can't remember what).  This feels really good.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

i'd spend all night losing sleep

I am making out with Tegan and the same time.  This could be disgusting because they are sisters, and twins.  I decide that this is a dream and that I am not going to think about the details and just enjoy the ride.  This is hot.  In the tangles of lips, theirs accidentally graze each others'.  Damnit!  Not so hot...

"I'd spend all night losing sleep" ~ Tegan and Sara, "Living Room"

i need milk, bread, and lube

I am trying to find somewhere to jerk off.  After a few settings, I end up in a convenience store. I’m in one the isles close to the register trying my best.   The patrons do not seem phased by what I’m doing, and I am only slowly realizing that this is not socially acceptable. No matter what I do, I can’t finish.  The store keeps getting more crowded.

I wake up with Mumford and Sons "Timshel" in my head, specifically one simple and beautiful lyric:
"You are not alone in this"

for whom the (wedding) bells toll

I’m at my own wedding, although I have no idea who I am marrying.  After a bit, I realize that I am wearing a full-on wedding dress and am surprisingly not uncomfortable.  I am preparing to enter the reception, which is outside, around the back of a building, in a garden.  As I enter, I am greeted by girls who are supposed to be my bridesmaids.  I am surprised to find that my sister is not my maid of honor.  Friends hug and kiss me and hand me my flower bouquet and a boutonniere for my groom?  People are sitting around eating and drinking.  There is a pool or pond and my college friends start jumping in and splashing around.  Everyone is laughing and having a great time.  The garden turns into a 50s burger joint and I decide that my friends and family know me so well because this is the perfect place for a wedding reception.  It’s time to leave and I am hugging people goodbye.  My girlfriends are crying and I am thanking them for all the work they did.  My dad is there and is crying.  The crowd clears and I see my grandfather, who has been dead for 10 years.  He is crying and we hug.  He tells me I look beautiful and that he is so proud of me.  I am surprised that he is so accepting of my gay(?) wedding.

blood fucking

I'm on an elevated train.  It's supposed to be in Philadelphia, but looks more like New York.  Two college friends who now live in NYC are there, but get off at a stop before me to go to work.  Now I'm alone and not very sure where I am.  I get off the train and the setting turns into Stone Harbor, NJ, a very ritzy, slightly uptight shore town that I haven't visited in years.  I'm walking the streets and come across an adult toy store and decide to duck in.  They have kitschy old porno stuff from the 30s and 40s upstairs.  I find a staircase that leads downstairs to where the hardcore stuff is.  As I'm walking around, I begin to realize that this store is run by vampires.  There are erotic vampire porno and acutriments and the employees are wearing long black clothes, dark eye makeup, and lots of red in their hair.  I don't want to look like a crybaby, so I try to pretend that this is totally normal.

The layout of the store keeps changing, and although I am trying to look as though I am browsing, I decided as soon as I walked into the store that I wanted to buy a vibrator.  I finally locate my goal in a back corner of the store.  There are shelves and shelves of unorganized phallic shapes and other pieces that I have no clue what their function could be. There is one older lady who is not a vampire and I ask her for help.  However, she is not in charge of the vibrators so she pushes me onto the girl who is and is also, naturally, a vampire.  In the meantime, a girl in the store faints and all of the employees rush over to suck her blood.  I am annoyed by this because it distracts my salesperson and I am on a mission.  Quickly after the gorging is over, a bunch of moms with strollers and toddlers by the hand come into the store.  I am trying to ask the sales girl to recommend a vibrator to me.  She is avoiding the question and finally tells me that she can’t sell me anything because there are kids around.  I am told to come back in a few days when there won’t be children.  I explain that I cannot come back in a few days because I am only here on vacation and will be gone by then.  I leave with nothing and realize that I didn’t need to take the train here, because it only would have taken 15 mins to walk from my vacation house.

the long road to breakfast

My friend and I wake up after a night of drinking and decide that we want pancakes.  After a long conversation, we decide where we want to go.  We walk all the way through the streets of Philadelphia to find the restaurant closed.  Heartbroken, we decide to go to another place.  We are now at the Jersey shore on a boardwalk.  We find a back alley pancake place, but still don’t eat.  We are walking through the streets of Philly again and run into a mutual friend.  The two of them decide to play hide and seek in the streets, forgetting about the pancakes.  I find my friend hiding in my car and think the game is over and we will finally eat.  I wake up hungry.

Body Wars

I "sharted" in a social situation. It was in someone’s apartment, there are people around, and I have no clean underwear.  It stinks and is uncomfortable.  I am horrified that someone will discover this.

I shaved my legs and then an hour later, they were really hairy again.  I express significant worry to two of my college friends.

The pen is mightier than my nerves

I’m at a bar or some kind of event, which eventually turns into a sort of high school reunion.  There are many faces that I haven’t seen in years.  Of course, anyone who I would want to see from high school is not there, so I am forced to hang out with people who I barely liked 10 years ago.  After a bit, I begin talking to people who wouldn’t have given me the time of day back then.  There is one girl in particular who I always thought was gay, and in my dream, I realize that I have apparently always had a crush on her.  We are all leaving now and as we exit, they are handing out updated contact information for everyone who came to the event.  Despite this, I decide that I MUST give this girl my phone number.  I have no pen or paper.  I’m frantically running around the back alley of this bar asking my former high school quasi friends for something to write on and with.  I finally gather the necessary items and lean on the trunk of a car to write my phone number.  My target is quickly escaping in the other direction.  I try to write and I can’t.  It comes out all scribbles and I soon fill the entire scrap of paper with gibberish.  I wake up.