garden variety

 

I am visiting my ex-girlfriend at her new house.  Apparently, she has begun running her own farm.  She's leading me on a tour of the grounds.  The size of the farm and the variety of produce are astonishing.  Everything looks beautiful, vibrant, and delicious.  I'm a tad jealous, but it's short lived because I'm getting uncomfortable.

It is a brutally hot summer day and I'm trying to avoid walking into the spots of sunshine breaking through the plants and trees.  We come to a little greenhouse where plants are being misted from the ceiling.  The quench on my boiling skin is almost audible. Ahhh, much better.  Oh wait, now we are outside again and I am just as hot as before.

After the tour, we come up to the back of her house, where I find an inground POOL!  I'm instantly annoyed.  I've been melting this whole time and there's been a freakin' pool here?!  I think to myself that it's so like her to neglect to mention this very important fact.  She then explains that they aren't using the pool because it's too cold. grr.

At this point, her mother comes out the back door and makes a fuss about seeing me.  I would have liked to avoid this interaction as I am planning to leave soon.  I don't want anyone getting any wrong ideas about the intention for my visit.  Her mom is asking me to stay, promising that she will make cookies if I do. hmmm... My ex then remarks that it will take too long.  Her mom says that she will make the cookies in the microwave, which will only take 20mins, just enough time for my ex to give me a special hair treatment.  I'm really not interested in having a hair treatment because it's going to involve getting close and touching, which I don't want any part of.  However, in lieu of looking like an asshole, I agree.  During this time, we have gone in the pool anyway and I am even more aggravated to find that it is, in fact, a very comfortable temperature.

In the pool, my ex applies this special hair conditioner to a quarter of my head and then stops because she doesn't feel like it anymore.  I'm pissed.  Appartenly, this is something I can't do myself, so now I'm shit out of luck.  We argue and I attempt to leave in a huff with my hair now looking like something out of an anime cartoon.  I take a few angry steps away when one of her dogs steps in front of me, pops a squat and farts....loud...and comically.  I try to go around, but then dog keeps short-stopping me, squatting and farting.  I can't help but chuckle.